Line from Matchbox 20's song "3am". Just the name of the blog, not what I'm about to post. Wrote this a few weeks back when I was having a rough time and a mild panic attack. Enjoy.
If I go to bed now, I'll probably not fall asleep
If I go to bed now, I'll face hours of insomniac restlessness
If I go to bed now, I'll spend hours thinking about how much of a failure I am
If I go to bed now, I'll be stressing about my work not being done
If I go to bed now, I'll toss and turn trying to get comfy
If I go to bed now, the rain will make me need the loo every few seconds
If I go to bed now, I'll eventually get some sleep, but it won't be enough so
If I go to bed now, I'll feel like death tomorrow
If I go to bed now, it'll be another day to live through
If I go to bed now, I'll have to face leaving the house again
If I go to bed now, I'll have to see my lecturer
If I go to bed now, I'll have to take all my medicine
If I go to bed now, it'll be another day closer to my next shift at work
If I go to bed now, I'm faced with another day alone
If I go to bed now, I'll have to say goodbye to my support system for another few hours
If I go to bed now, I'll probably cry
If I go to bed now, I'll start thinking of my mum, wishing I was with her
If I go to bed now, I'll start thinking about the lack of food we own
If I go to bed now, I'll be thinking of the future again
If I go to bed now, it'll make me think of my lack of money/time/energy
If I go to bed now, I'll feel so weak again
If I go to bed now, I'll have more nightmares
If I go to bed now, I'll be thinking of my illnesses and how much I hate them
If I go to bed now, I'll be reminded of how tired of life I am
If I go to bed now, I'll just be listening to his snoring
If I go to bed now, I'll have to turn the alarm off again in the morning
If I go to bed now...
If I go to bed now...
If I go to bed now...
But I'm just so tired
Wednesday, 21 December 2011
There is no future In England's dreaming
The lyrics today come from the fabulous mind of a Mr. John Lydon and seem to be relevant to everything at the moment. I can't be bothered explaining.
So here we are on the brink of the end of 2011 and the start of 2012, the "doom year" when the world is supposed to end a couple times over. Things are very different to last time I wrote for this blog, and yet they're still the same. I still work for Wetherspoons, although a different pub, me and Luke are still together and now living together, I'm still diabetic and I still fail at keeping myself well!
Differences? Well, remember me banging on about how beautiful my first student house was going to be? That place now fills me with dread and hatred. I moved in with Josh, his girlfriend and two of their friends and have never met a group of nastier people in my life. I had a horrific time in that house, so probably the less said about it the better.
Anyway, I quickly signed a contract to live with my best friend Charlotte and a bunch of our mutual friends with Luke... poor Luke! being the only male in the house. Me and Luke are the only two straight people in the house, all the other girls are lesbians and all have their girlfriend's living with us which is... interesting. Don't get me wrong, I'm not homophobic! In fact, I'd say I'm more the opposite of homophobic living in my house, but lesbians are a lot more... open with their feelings for each other shall we say? Entertainment in the living room is often the TV blaring in the background and a couple looking as though they are about to swallow each other whole. But to be honest, I don't really mind. the atmosphere is so much more relaxed... Even if the poor house itself does suffer. We don't have the cleanest kitchen and living room in the world, but then again, with often 8-10 people in the house, how could we?
So me and Luke are coming up to our 6 year anniversary. I still think it's crazy that we've been together that long. He's still my absolute best friend of all time (other than my mum and grandma of course) With having us living together this year, we spend almost all our time together just sat in the same room so my surprise at having had him for so long has worn off now into a quietly happy contentment. We're the only couple in the house that don't really fight with one another and he's my steady rock of reassurance for when I have my low points.
When I started working for Wetherspoons I was employed by The Forum pub. I don't remember my time working there fondly really, I never really gelled with the staff and didn't make any real friends. Then again, how could I when I only worked 6-10 hours at best a week? Then over summer, from about June to the end of August I worked for The Barum Top in Halifax and was often seen doing 12 hours a day which was sometimes even longer than the managers. I didn't mind though, it cost me a fortune to get there and back and in the 3 months I worked there I got to know the rest of the staff - which was about 3 times the size of The Forum staff force - better than I ever would have had I stayed with the same pub. I'm now at The Ritz and am down to a steady 10-20 hours a week. I may not have met the entire work staff yet, but I'm often working with the same people and so have got to know those people really well. I've had a few nights out with some of the girls as well and we all get on really well which makes me really pleased.
So what else is new? Maybe the fact that I'm writing this at 6:45am. Before I was only diagnosed with diabetes, coeliac and the hypothyroidism. Well this year I got diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder, depression or "low mood" and the psychologist even went as far as to say boarderline agoraphobia! I've been having a really bad start to the year. We're already 3 months into the university year and I haven't started any work yet. My dissertation is due in in February and I've only just finished the research thanks to my mum who sat me down and did it all with me. My title is going to be "The Sex Pistols: media manipulated or media outrage?" I'm actually really enjoying the work when I can get my head to do it. The essay is going to be looking at all sorts of angles, coming from the Sex Pistols point of view, clashing with Malcolm McClaren's point of view, then the "older gen Media" point of view and even the fanzine's point of view. I reckon that's enough!!
Anyway, I've forgotten where I was going with this...
I'll try write more often again.
So here we are on the brink of the end of 2011 and the start of 2012, the "doom year" when the world is supposed to end a couple times over. Things are very different to last time I wrote for this blog, and yet they're still the same. I still work for Wetherspoons, although a different pub, me and Luke are still together and now living together, I'm still diabetic and I still fail at keeping myself well!
Differences? Well, remember me banging on about how beautiful my first student house was going to be? That place now fills me with dread and hatred. I moved in with Josh, his girlfriend and two of their friends and have never met a group of nastier people in my life. I had a horrific time in that house, so probably the less said about it the better.
Anyway, I quickly signed a contract to live with my best friend Charlotte and a bunch of our mutual friends with Luke... poor Luke! being the only male in the house. Me and Luke are the only two straight people in the house, all the other girls are lesbians and all have their girlfriend's living with us which is... interesting. Don't get me wrong, I'm not homophobic! In fact, I'd say I'm more the opposite of homophobic living in my house, but lesbians are a lot more... open with their feelings for each other shall we say? Entertainment in the living room is often the TV blaring in the background and a couple looking as though they are about to swallow each other whole. But to be honest, I don't really mind. the atmosphere is so much more relaxed... Even if the poor house itself does suffer. We don't have the cleanest kitchen and living room in the world, but then again, with often 8-10 people in the house, how could we?
So me and Luke are coming up to our 6 year anniversary. I still think it's crazy that we've been together that long. He's still my absolute best friend of all time (other than my mum and grandma of course) With having us living together this year, we spend almost all our time together just sat in the same room so my surprise at having had him for so long has worn off now into a quietly happy contentment. We're the only couple in the house that don't really fight with one another and he's my steady rock of reassurance for when I have my low points.
When I started working for Wetherspoons I was employed by The Forum pub. I don't remember my time working there fondly really, I never really gelled with the staff and didn't make any real friends. Then again, how could I when I only worked 6-10 hours at best a week? Then over summer, from about June to the end of August I worked for The Barum Top in Halifax and was often seen doing 12 hours a day which was sometimes even longer than the managers. I didn't mind though, it cost me a fortune to get there and back and in the 3 months I worked there I got to know the rest of the staff - which was about 3 times the size of The Forum staff force - better than I ever would have had I stayed with the same pub. I'm now at The Ritz and am down to a steady 10-20 hours a week. I may not have met the entire work staff yet, but I'm often working with the same people and so have got to know those people really well. I've had a few nights out with some of the girls as well and we all get on really well which makes me really pleased.
So what else is new? Maybe the fact that I'm writing this at 6:45am. Before I was only diagnosed with diabetes, coeliac and the hypothyroidism. Well this year I got diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder, depression or "low mood" and the psychologist even went as far as to say boarderline agoraphobia! I've been having a really bad start to the year. We're already 3 months into the university year and I haven't started any work yet. My dissertation is due in in February and I've only just finished the research thanks to my mum who sat me down and did it all with me. My title is going to be "The Sex Pistols: media manipulated or media outrage?" I'm actually really enjoying the work when I can get my head to do it. The essay is going to be looking at all sorts of angles, coming from the Sex Pistols point of view, clashing with Malcolm McClaren's point of view, then the "older gen Media" point of view and even the fanzine's point of view. I reckon that's enough!!
Anyway, I've forgotten where I was going with this...
I'll try write more often again.
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