I'm on top of the world, yeah!

Check me out guys, I graduated! Yeah that's me about 2 years ago now, looking all swanky in my graduation robes in front of Lincoln cathedral. Not going to lie, the editing I did on this picture is abysmal but lets face it, I can't actually remember the last time I touched a camera. I look kinda different these days, my hair's longer for one and OH! I wear glasses now. My face looks naked without them.

So life has taken some major turns in the 3 years I haven't posted - firstly I haven't worked for Wetherspoons for almost 2 years now. I quit back in 2013 (maybe?) when I was hired as a manager of an internet company. That lasted about a year and was one of my favourite years of my employed life but, unfortunately, was made redundant in 2014. I had 2 months away from employment while I figured out what I was going to do with myself before going back to bar work for a restaurant near my house. It wasn't great and the pay was terrible, but it was a job. That lasted until September 2014 when I worked 4 months as a teaching assistant which I really, well and truly loved. I still see a load of the kids I used to teach even now and they always wave at me with these humongous smiles on their faces and a greeting of "Hi Miss Wood!!" Since January I've been working for a Temp Agency at a contact centre for IKEA and about a week ago I got told I was so good at my job I'd managed to secure myself a permanent position so currently I'm going through training to become part of the proper customer service team. The pay is pretty good, I like doing the calls and the work and I absolutely love my co-workers, it's such a fantastic business to work for, they're all so supportive and you can always find someone willing to give you a hug when you need one or who wants to chat to you during your lunch, I've not had a single lonely day there yet. The job side of things is going really great.

I don't live in Lincoln anymore either. The second I hit graduation I ran back to my mummy who swaddled me in love and affection for well over a year and a half before shipping me off again to live down in Peterborough. I've not spoken to a single one of the girls I used to live with since we lived together and don't plan on ever doing again. Just read through my last post and you remember the dog thing? Well, Holly ended up owing the company over £3000 for repairs to the damages the damn thing left behind. Speedy ended up living to the ripe old age of 2 and a half before dying peacefully in his sleep. We never did manage to tame him, figured if he was that scared we'd just leave him to live his life in his cage - which now houses Luke's mother's Tortoise... Darcy (Don't even ask). A few years back now, Luke got a leopard gecko for Christmas we named Moshi... something to do with lizards in Japan or something, I can't really remember where we got the name from but she is the most adorable thing ever. She's so tiny and really friendly! She loves being picked up and will happily sit on our heads for hours at a time when she's not stalking the mealworms we leave for her on our palms.

So I now live with Luke in Peterborough and I guess we should say it's about time, but we finally set our wedding date for July 30th 2016. We're getting married in Bowness-on-Windermere where my grandparents live and we've booked out an entire high school for our reception party. I have so many fantastic ideas and really can't wait for it at all. Life's been going fantastic recently. I have a job I like, I live with Luke (even if we are sharing a single bed in a single room, it's a start), we've booked our wedding and we have so many friends around us, I seriously feel like I'm entering that light at the end of the dark tunnel I was stuck in for so long. Today at work, we decided to play a game in training called "Who wants to be a millionaire" and 3 of the other people immediately said "I wanna join Ella's team!! She's so smart and knows so many random facts, we'll definitely win!" and of course we did.

So yeah, things are looking up. It's mainly why I changed the entire style of my blog, before it was all black and dark but I prefer light backgrounds these days, matches my mood. But it's bedtime now. We're going to watch a few episodes of our favourite show then get some shut eye because we both have work early tomorrow. Ciao for now x

It's haunting me

Something I wrote on DA but couldn't post.

"I'm in shock a little. and maybe me posting a journal about this is attention seeking, I dunno, I'm sorry if you think so. I just... I'm struggling on where to turn, what to do. It's not even that big of a deal, but I feel like a little something inside me died today. I can't stop thinking about it.

So we live in a student house. One where in the contract in big, capital letters it says "no pets in the house" hence why I sent Speedy to live with my Fiancé's family. But a few weeks back, one of my housemates, the one I have managed to thus far stay friends with, started talking about getting a dog. I told her outright not to get one and that I think it's a really bad idea and that I'm really against the idea. But what did she do on Sunday? She got herself a dog. It's a beautiful little thing, a cross between a pug and a jack russel terrier and really well behaved... except it's not house trained, but my housemate is adamantly saying she is. Apparently the dog is 2 years old and even though she was a stray for a while, she's house trained. But she's pee-ed almost everywhere in the kitchen, living room and my housemate's bedroom. she found a plastic bag in the living room that had my jeans in (I fell over 3 times in the ice and my jeans were still too damp to wear when I got home from work so I wore my work trousers home) but the jeans were only slightly damp. They were dripping when I picked the bag up. My housemate took the dog out to do it's business last night, and the second they got back in the dog wee-ed on the floor. I was washing up at the time and flicked some of the water in it's face and called it a bad dog and all.

Then today, I heard the housemate talking with another housemate about me doing this. I went out to join in the conversation and say "I never lied, I said immediately I wasn't comfortable about this. I have an anxiety disorder, the thought of breaking the rules of the contract with a dog makes me anxious as hell and I don't like that I keep stepping in puddles of wee, I'm not a dog person at all." Other things have been going on in the house as well.

But she turned on me. She screamed down the hall way that I'm a nasty, bitchy person that's 2 faced and all sorts of other names like blunt and saying I'm thoughtless, don't think before I speak or think how what I'm saying is going to affect others.

...

I don't really know what to say about it.

When everything was over I went out and bought some dog treats that are good for the teeth and gave the rest to the housemate as a peace offering for the trouble my anxiety attacks have caused in the house.

I so try my hardest to act like a normal person, but I don't always manage it. I don't notice when I'm being too harsh or blunt or whatever and if people don't tell me I don't realise. I thought I was being so good, swallowing so much down. and then she tells me she was going to host another housemeeting so everyone can have a go at me again. I don't understand...

Is this why I find it so hard to keep friends? Is this why I keep getting dropped so easily? And I'm posting this on DA to ask because I get dropped by so many people on this site that say they would always be my friends. I never know who to trust to keep that promise, but I try and cling to those few that stay friendly for a little while. I get so desperate sometimes.

Who am I kidding? I'm not gonna post this."

It's 3am I must be lonely

Line from Matchbox 20's song "3am". Just the name of the blog, not what I'm about to post. Wrote this a few weeks back when I was having a rough time and a mild panic attack. Enjoy.

If I go to bed now, I'll probably not fall asleep
If I go to bed now, I'll face hours of insomniac restlessness
If I go to bed now, I'll spend hours thinking about how much of a failure I am
If I go to bed now, I'll be stressing about my work not being done
If I go to bed now, I'll toss and turn trying to get comfy
If I go to bed now, the rain will make me need the loo every few seconds
If I go to bed now, I'll eventually get some sleep, but it won't be enough so
If I go to bed now, I'll feel like death tomorrow
If I go to bed now, it'll be another day to live through
If I go to bed now, I'll have to face leaving the house again
If I go to bed now, I'll have to see my lecturer
If I go to bed now, I'll have to take all my medicine
If I go to bed now, it'll be another day closer to my next shift at work
If I go to bed now, I'm faced with another day alone
If I go to bed now, I'll have to say goodbye to my support system for another few hours
If I go to bed now, I'll probably cry
If I go to bed now, I'll start thinking of my mum, wishing I was with her
If I go to bed now, I'll start thinking about the lack of food we own
If I go to bed now, I'll be thinking of the future again
If I go to bed now, it'll make me think of my lack of money/time/energy
If I go to bed now, I'll feel so weak again
If I go to bed now, I'll have more nightmares
If I go to bed now, I'll be thinking of my illnesses and how much I hate them
If I go to bed now, I'll be reminded of how tired of life I am
If I go to bed now, I'll just be listening to his snoring
If I go to bed now, I'll have to turn the alarm off again in the morning
If I go to bed now...
If I go to bed now...
If I go to bed now...

But I'm just so tired

There is no future In England's dreaming

The lyrics today come from the fabulous mind of a Mr. John Lydon and seem to be relevant to everything at the moment. I can't be bothered explaining.

So here we are on the brink of the end of 2011 and the start of 2012, the "doom year" when the world is supposed to end a couple times over. Things are very different to last time I wrote for this blog, and yet they're still the same. I still work for Wetherspoons, although a different pub, me and Luke are still together and now living together, I'm still diabetic and I still fail at keeping myself well!

Differences? Well, remember me banging on about how beautiful my first student house was going to be? That place now fills me with dread and hatred. I moved in with Josh, his girlfriend and two of their friends and have never met a group of nastier people in my life. I had a horrific time in that house, so probably the less said about it the better.

Anyway, I quickly signed a contract to live with my best friend Charlotte and a bunch of our mutual friends with Luke... poor Luke! being the only male in the house. Me and Luke are the only two straight people in the house, all the other girls are lesbians and all have their girlfriend's living with us which is... interesting. Don't get me wrong, I'm not homophobic! In fact, I'd say I'm more the opposite of homophobic living in my house, but lesbians are a lot more... open with their feelings for each other shall we say? Entertainment in the living room is often the TV blaring in the background and a couple looking as though they are about to swallow each other whole. But to be honest, I don't really mind. the atmosphere is so much more relaxed... Even if the poor house itself does suffer. We don't have the cleanest kitchen and living room in the world, but then again, with often 8-10 people in the house, how could we?

So me and Luke are coming up to our 6 year anniversary. I still think it's crazy that we've been together that long. He's still my absolute best friend of all time (other than my mum and grandma of course) With having us living together this year, we spend almost all our time together just sat in the same room so my surprise at having had him for so long has worn off now into a quietly happy contentment. We're the only couple in the house that don't really fight with one another and he's my steady rock of reassurance for when I have my low points.

When I started working for Wetherspoons I was employed by The Forum pub. I don't remember my time working there fondly really, I never really gelled with the staff and didn't make any real friends. Then again, how could I when I only worked 6-10 hours at best a week? Then over summer, from about June to the end of August I worked for The Barum Top in Halifax and was often seen doing 12 hours a day which was sometimes even longer than the managers. I didn't mind though, it cost me a fortune to get there and back and in the 3 months I worked there I got to know the rest of the staff - which was about 3 times the size of The Forum staff force - better than I ever would have had I stayed with the same pub. I'm now at The Ritz and am down to a steady 10-20 hours a week. I may not have met the entire work staff yet, but I'm often working with the same people and so have got to know those people really well. I've had a few nights out with some of the girls as well and we all get on really well which makes me really pleased.

So what else is new? Maybe the fact that I'm writing this at 6:45am. Before I was only diagnosed with diabetes, coeliac and the hypothyroidism. Well this year I got diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder, depression or "low mood" and the psychologist even went as far as to say boarderline agoraphobia! I've been having a really bad start to the year. We're already 3 months into the university year and I haven't started any work yet. My dissertation is due in in February and I've only just finished the research thanks to my mum who sat me down and did it all with me. My title is going to be "The Sex Pistols: media manipulated or media outrage?" I'm actually really enjoying the work when I can get my head to do it. The essay is going to be looking at all sorts of angles, coming from the Sex Pistols point of view, clashing with Malcolm McClaren's point of view, then the "older gen Media" point of view and even the fanzine's point of view. I reckon that's enough!!

Anyway, I've forgotten where I was going with this...

I'll try write more often again.

Hello there and I'm so sorry

From Blink 182, out of the context of the rest of the lyrics, perfect, in context absolute rubbish. But oh well. I'm sorry it's been so long. So much has changed!! I'm now in second year of university, having managed to pass last year by doing a resit and so made it to the years that matter. I finally got a job and am now an employee of Wetherspoons pubs, I've been there for a few weeks now and I'm loving it. I'm still with Luke of course, we're still going just as strong and there has been a lot of talk of engagement etc. from my friends, my dad and even my mum. We're fast approaching our 5 year anniversary together and I'm so excited about it. I've got some of the best friends I could ask for and the house I am now living in is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Life's going great!

And yet...
My health is going so badly. I'm finding it so hard to follow my medication routine and it's causing me to become depressed, or that what I think is going on anyway. At the beginning of the new term some things started to go a bit wrong and since then they haven't got much better. I've been struggling to find the time I need to get everything done. But that's not the problem, if it was I'd just be really stressed.

No, I think I'm getting homesick. Me and mum have seen each other once since my birthday. Luke fell asleep on my bed at about 10pm tonight and I got bored so I started watching videos on youtube by this guy called Mike that sings Folk Songs. I've been listening to them and they make me think of my mum, my family, of folk festivals I've been missing and just how much my life has changed and how much I've had to force myself to change to be seen in the right light by people at university. I may be in a beautiful house now, but only really get on with one of my house mates. I moved in with the one flatmate I got on well with last year because I thought I'd have a good idea of what he'd be like to live with, but we've also moved in with his girlfriend and she has caused him to completely change, so things aren't particularly happy in this house. But it means I enjoy work so much more so that's all ok.

I dunno, I guess I just miss the lazy days of summer holidays, the days when I could do what I wanted when I wanted without having to think of time tables and deadlines and things. I think because I've been happy for so long I've sort of run out of the emotion and things that wouldn't have bothered me before have started to become a real problem.

I miss the days when life was easy and you could say what was on your mind without being shot down for it.

Photo albums

Just a little something I wrote. I've had the imagery in my head for a long time but have only just now formed it into something cohesive. Anyway, let me know what you think... Or not.

"I followed her up the stairs, noticing how springy the new carpet was under my feet and how smooth the oak of the banister was as it slid under my hand while we made our ascent.
“They did such a great job of the staircase, it’s so beautiful!” I told my friend.
“Yeah, I would have been a bit angry if it was anything less than perfect for the price they charged that’s for sure!” She laughed happily.

I hadn’t actually seen the house yet, her and her now husband had been whisked off to the Caribbean for their honeymoon so fast I hadn’t had chance. Now we were inside, I could see it suited the two of them perfectly. I tried to focus on this thought and let the happiness I felt for the two of them fill me as much as I could.

We were at the top of the stairs now and she was turning right into a medium sized living room with comfy looking sofas and chairs scattered around, all facing each other to be as sociable as possible. There on the back wall was my friend’s life. A whole wall taken up with photo albums, wallets of photographs not yet organised into albums, pictures in photo frames and of course, her cameras filling up every space on the bookcase that wasn’t taken up with pictures. No doubt half of them had rolls of film not yet developed.

I wondered if she still had the album she had made for me when we were in primary school, the album full of smiling pictures of our friends with notes wishing me well and saying good luck. Then of course there was the other album that went along side the happy album. The other album contained pictures of me as a child, lying in a sterile bed, in garish hospital gear with wires sticking out of my wrists, my eyes sunken, and my skin pulling tight on my bones through lack of fat. I’d lost a lot of weight that week. That was the week the doctors told me my pancreas was no longer working and I’d have to inject myself every day for the rest of my life.

But she wasn’t pulling out one of the thick, leather bound photographic books, she was pulling out a fancy new laptop I hadn’t seen before from under the bookcase. We sat together on the new sofa and she switched it on, flashing me one of her beautiful smiles that I had seen almost every day since the age of three. When the laptop had finally loaded, she brought up another kind of album, an electronic album, the kind I didn’t know because the week we had been taught about them was the week my pancreas had died. Inside were the pictures of her wedding.

There of course, was my best friend in the entire world looking like an angel in her white dress and bright smile stood under the arm of her beloved, now husband. Her parents were stood on either side of the smiling, newly married couple with their gray hair and pastel coloured suits.

And this is the point I started to cry.
“What’s wrong?” She exclaimed when she saw the liquid running down my face.
“Oh, nothing,” I replied, “you just look so happy and beautiful. I’m so pleased for you!” And she embraced me like she always had, not realising how much my world had changed since these pictures had been taken on such a happy day.

I realised this was the world I was never going to be able to see, the world that was leaving me behind and I would one day be forgotten from, never to return again. I thought back to our pasts, to our nervous grins of the first day of school. We lived through my embarrassment when I wet myself on stage in front of everyone, how she had stood up for me shouting to the whole hall “Well she’s a sheep! What do sheep do other than eat grass, wee and sleep?” She had been there when I was told a week later about my dead organ. We’d practiced injecting oranges together so it wouldn’t seem so bad when I had to inject myself.

We’d been through high school, 6th form college and university together. I’d been there cheering her on as she met her beloved and eventually got engaged to be married. We told each other everything.

But as she prepared to walk down the aisle in that beautiful white dress, as she chatted and laughed with her family and made the final arrangements for creating her own brand new family, how could I tell her what had happened? How could I explain something so horrific during this time of such happiness?

She placed the laptop on my lap while she ran to the bathroom and so I took a moment to put a hand to my temple, running my finger over the place where the thing that would very soon kill me should be. How could I let her know I was soon to depart from this world without ruining her happy dreams for the future?

I ran my finger over the spot on my temple that little lump is positioned one more time, the lump no bigger than a small bead, but a lump the size of my world."

This is the final straw

Nah, it's not really. that's a line from Snow Patrol's song "final straw". However, as much as I'm not complaining because I love the sun we've been getting, I wish I knew the cure for heat rash! I'm covered!! It's all over my arms, chest and legs and is very very itchy. I look like I have a mild case of chickenpox.

Ah that's all I can be bothered writing. sorry!

p.s. sorry for leaving the messages on your answer phone grandma and grandpa, I'd completely forgot you've gone to Russia. Hope you had a good time!