It's haunting me

Something I wrote on DA but couldn't post.

"I'm in shock a little. and maybe me posting a journal about this is attention seeking, I dunno, I'm sorry if you think so. I just... I'm struggling on where to turn, what to do. It's not even that big of a deal, but I feel like a little something inside me died today. I can't stop thinking about it.

So we live in a student house. One where in the contract in big, capital letters it says "no pets in the house" hence why I sent Speedy to live with my Fiancé's family. But a few weeks back, one of my housemates, the one I have managed to thus far stay friends with, started talking about getting a dog. I told her outright not to get one and that I think it's a really bad idea and that I'm really against the idea. But what did she do on Sunday? She got herself a dog. It's a beautiful little thing, a cross between a pug and a jack russel terrier and really well behaved... except it's not house trained, but my housemate is adamantly saying she is. Apparently the dog is 2 years old and even though she was a stray for a while, she's house trained. But she's pee-ed almost everywhere in the kitchen, living room and my housemate's bedroom. she found a plastic bag in the living room that had my jeans in (I fell over 3 times in the ice and my jeans were still too damp to wear when I got home from work so I wore my work trousers home) but the jeans were only slightly damp. They were dripping when I picked the bag up. My housemate took the dog out to do it's business last night, and the second they got back in the dog wee-ed on the floor. I was washing up at the time and flicked some of the water in it's face and called it a bad dog and all.

Then today, I heard the housemate talking with another housemate about me doing this. I went out to join in the conversation and say "I never lied, I said immediately I wasn't comfortable about this. I have an anxiety disorder, the thought of breaking the rules of the contract with a dog makes me anxious as hell and I don't like that I keep stepping in puddles of wee, I'm not a dog person at all." Other things have been going on in the house as well.

But she turned on me. She screamed down the hall way that I'm a nasty, bitchy person that's 2 faced and all sorts of other names like blunt and saying I'm thoughtless, don't think before I speak or think how what I'm saying is going to affect others.

...

I don't really know what to say about it.

When everything was over I went out and bought some dog treats that are good for the teeth and gave the rest to the housemate as a peace offering for the trouble my anxiety attacks have caused in the house.

I so try my hardest to act like a normal person, but I don't always manage it. I don't notice when I'm being too harsh or blunt or whatever and if people don't tell me I don't realise. I thought I was being so good, swallowing so much down. and then she tells me she was going to host another housemeeting so everyone can have a go at me again. I don't understand...

Is this why I find it so hard to keep friends? Is this why I keep getting dropped so easily? And I'm posting this on DA to ask because I get dropped by so many people on this site that say they would always be my friends. I never know who to trust to keep that promise, but I try and cling to those few that stay friendly for a little while. I get so desperate sometimes.

Who am I kidding? I'm not gonna post this."